WHAT TO DO
In Case the Baby Gets a Tooth
1. Telegraph at once to his grandfather and maternal aunt.
2. Ask the baby if he really has it, taking care not to address him in English undefiled.
3. Send word to the office that you will not be down to-day.
4. Avoid any jest which requires you to say that baby is now old enough to chews for himself.
5. Make an entry in your diary to the effect that a tooth is born unto you.
6. Do not temper your joy with your pessimistic thoughts as dentist’s bills inspire.
7. Swear off letting the little one chew your watch unless you like your hunting case to have dents in it.
8. Do not ask the child’s mother if she doesn’t think it strange that the other tooth don’t appear.
9. If you are a poor man don’t buy the youngster a silver-backed toothbrush on the strength of the first molar.
10. Do not tell an experienced father that you think it is a wisdom tooth. He will know better, and will probably go home and tell his wife what an unsophisticated cow you are.
11. Do not insist on feeding the boy on beefsteak right away.
12. Do not imagine that, that is the only tooth in the world, and eschew undue personal vanity because of the newcomer. You didn’t grow the tooth. Leave the conceit to this baby.
13. Remember that there are more teeth to come, and do not lavish too much enthusiasm on the first.
14. Make the youngster stop biting the piano legs and newspapers.
15. Never give theatre parties in honor of a first tooth.
16. Get the baby a toy to mark the occasion if you like, but do not move into a more commodious house because of it.
17. Do not waste your money on newspapers to see what they have to say about the new arrival.
18. Do not tell your friends about it more than eight times a day.
19. Do not charge admission to ladies who want to see it, or overestimate its drawing attractions by taking it on a starring tour through the suburbs. There are some things that suburban residents won’t pay to see, and one of them is the first tooth of another man’s baby.
20. If you deposit $100 in the bank in the child’s name, as a reward for his gallant feat, do not draw it out again under six months, if you want to get interest on it.
21. Do not ask your wife to let you take the tooth down to the club with you to show to the boys. You’ll have to take the baby with you if you do, and if there is one thing that is more out of place than another in a club it is a one-toothed baby.
22. Do not overtax the tooth, and see that baby does not bite off more than he can chew.
23. If the tooth is loose do not pull it out and have it set in a ring, nor must you fasten it in more firmly with stratina. Let nature take its course.
24. Do not be disappointed if the first tooth comes without gold filling in it.
By a judicious observance of the two dozen vital regulations your baby may have a tooth without subjecting the world to any undue excitement and without disturbance to the stock market.
Rocky Mountain News [Denver, CO] 13 February 1889: p. 7
Mrs Daffodil’s Aide-memoire: Mrs Daffodil wishes all the indulgent Papas in her readership the happiest of Fathers Days.