“Let by-gones be by-gones,” said she, after she had managed to quarrel with him on the way home from the circus.
He reflected awhile: “And is this the end?”
“It is, sir; all is over between us.”
“Last Sunday night you said you loved me.”
“I did then; I do not now.”
“And you want by-gones to be by-gones?”
“Who’s to pay for all the ice-cream?”
“Leave me, mercenary wretch! Name your price for your valuable services, and I will see it paid.”
Next morning’s post brought her the following:
Miss Smith to Mr. Simpkins, Dr.
To 6 rides, $4 each $24.00
15 oyster-soups at church festivals $7.00
15 suppers at church festivals, $15.00
15 hacks at church festivals, $22.50
42 tickets to theatre $42.00
Librettos (10), 25 cents $2.50
Suit of clothes (per intimation) $50.00
Boots blacked and shaved (say) $20.00
46 broken promises .25
1 broken heart $500.00
60 ice creams $15.00
Raising my hopes, etc. $5,000.00
Firing me out after circus $1.20
Total $5.699 .95
By going with another fellow (4) $ 8.00
Healing broken heart (3) .45
Hugging me (400) $400.00
Sitting on my lap (20). . . $1,000.00
Extinguishing hopes .75
First kiss $2,000.00
229,200 kisses and hugs, 1c. each 2,292.00
Balance due .75
Will call to-morrow night and collect balance due.
She met him at the door. ” Come into the parlor, Chawley,” she said, “and I’ll pay you.”
An hour afterward she was contracting a fresh debt at the ice-cream saloon near by.
The Argonaut [San Francisco, CA] 7 February 1898.
Mrs Daffodil’s Aide-memoire: One does so like a happy ending, although Mrs Daffodil wonders if a gentleman with such a head for figures (in the mercenary sense) is a wise investment. Such persons would always want to go over the dressmaking accounts–something no woman of spirit tolerates.
To read of an 18th-century version of a lover’s bill for services rendered, see this post, on Valentine’s Day.
Mrs Daffodil invites you to join her on the curiously named “Face-book,” where you will find a feast of fashion hints, fads and fancies, and historical anecdotes
You may read about a sentimental succubus, a vengeful seamstress’s ghost, Victorian mourning gone horribly wrong, and, of course, Mrs Daffodil’s efficient tidying up after a distasteful decapitation in A Spot of Bother: Four Macabre Tales.